oliver james: birth story, part one

Photo by Michelle Boothe

Before I share the story of baby boy's birth, I want to share some of the events that led up to it. 

Flashback: JUNE 2017

I'm sitting at home, waiting from a call from my doctor. I'd just had my first IUI (intrauterine insemination) treatment in the hopes of getting pregnant. Leading up to this, I'd hoped to get pregnant naturally. And then with pills. And then with hormone shots. Month after month -- for two years --  I saw negative test result after test result and each time my heart broke a little more. All of the tests and medications and appointments took a huge toll on me. I wondered why my body was not doing was it *supposed* to do so naturally. What was wrong with me? 

I hoped and prayed and wished that this treatment would be finally be the thing that worked. 

The doctor called and the result was no. No, sorry (again), you are not having a baby. I held back the tears. It's okay. Thank you for calling. That night, Danny and I had a flight to London, the first stop on our summer tour of Europe. It could not have come at a better time. At this point I was starting to feel a little numb, a little bitter, and just wanted any distraction. 

And distract, Europe did. I had the time of my life with Danny and sort of found myself again. I remembered who I was as just me, not me-wondering-if-I'll-ever-be-a-mother-me. It hit me that as, just me, I was totally and completely enough. I was reminded of the things that gave me true joy and felt that throughout the entire trip. For the first time in months, I felt happy with no strings attached. 

When we got home, I felt a renewed sense of hope. And yet -- the pain still returned with it. I remember this day like it was yesterday:

I was standing at our kitchen sink making dinner while music played. The song "Homeward Bound" came one -- the one Vocal Point did with the All-American Boys' Chorus. It's a song I've loved for quite a while now. As I was listening, I began to tear up thinking about my situation. And how much it hurt. And then the part where the younger boy starts singing came on and I burst into tears. Here's the verse:

If you find it's me you're missing

If you're hoping I'll return

To your thoughts I'll soon be listening

And in the road, I'll stop and turn

Then the wind will set me racing 

As my journey nears its end

And the path I'll be retracing

When I'm homeward bound again. 

For the first time, I overwhelmingly felt that a child, particularly a boy, such as the young one that was singing, was on his way. And soon. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I think I took, like, four pregnancy tests throughout the next 24 hours. I was shocked. It happened, and it happened naturally, despite so many failed attempts with added help. Several months later, it was confirmed to be a boy. This song still makes me feel all the things when I hear it. 

I feel very lucky that our journey with infertility only lasted a couple years because I know, for others, that struggle is much longer. And yet, that doesn't take away from the fact that, in the thick of it, my heart ached, day after day, just the same. It was hard to escape at times. So if you're heart aches, too,  I want you to take away this -- believe in miracles. Try not to get bitter. Believe that God has brilliant plans for you. Believe in good things to come. And soon.  

And most of all -- believe that you are enough.

(One of the things that helped me the most was when people reached out to me. Infertility is often a quiet and lonely struggle. It helped to talk with those who had been through it or just to have a listening ear. If you're struggling, please reach out. I'd love to talk with you or just be there to hold your hand. xo)